I was meeting a client friend this morning, and found myself early and able to secure two of The Best Seats in the coffee house. This particular branch of a global chain is an easy place to me to do business — it’s convenient, quiet enough, and they carry my favorite brand of water.
The shop had a nice buzz of activity – not too busy, not too empty. Sometimes when I go, I have to jockey for a table and chair, but not today. Today I got the comfy chairs. A treat!
As I eased myself into the chair and positioned myself with the stacks of stuff that define my zone as my mobile office, another patron approached me and asked if the neighboring seat was available.
With utmost sincerity, I replied that I was expecting someone, so no, the seat was not available. Without pause, she questioned reproached me: you can’t save seats! How do you know when they’ll arrive? Ten minutes? Twenty minutes? A half hour? Why don’t you sit somewhere else until your party arrives? You don’t need two chairs! It’s just not right, she told me. You can’t do that. It’s not cool.
I looked at her with an expression that, had I seen my own reflection, most likely resembled the way my puppy looks at me most of the time. With confusion and befuddlement, I responded.
I’m sorry, I offered. I expect the rest of my party to arrive at any moment.
She left and I assumed we were done. With so many open places to sit, so many empty chairs and empty tables, I didn’t feel obligated to make other arrangements for myself in the interim.
I was, after all, there first.
I noticed her talking to the store manager, saw her shuffling about with her newspaper and pastry. Abruptly, she assumed the seat next to me.
It’s not right, she said again. Not cool at all. She told me that she would sit there until my guest arrived, and when that happened, either she or I would find another seat.
Puzzled, that’s what I was. Yes, the seat was technically not occupied. No, it was not my own office where I might influence who sits where and for how long. I sat with my internal dialog, feeling my anger, confusion, indignation, accommodation, questioning, boundaries threatened, wanting to make nice and yet not wanting to be nice at all.
I’m a rules follower at heart, as well as being hypersensitive to the unstated norms and operating conditions that define a space or relationship. If I was in the “wrong,” I’d adjust, but I wasn’t sure that I was, or wasn’t.
On the screen of my iPhone was an open e-mail which included a practice in becoming present. Well, wasn’t that just a fine moment of irony. I glared at my device, reading along and attempting to follow … I gently slammed my eyes shut, scanning my body for where I had internalized this conflict. I noticed that my head was tingling, I imagined myself as a cartoon character who’s hair was a flaming inferno, a raging wildfire out of control. No, not cool at all.
As if on cue, my guest arrived. We greeted, and the other patron didn’t move. We exchanged pleasantries, having not seen each other in person in several months, and the other patron didn’t move. There we were, this awkward troika, caught in a weird musical chairs-chicken-fight moment.
Now what?
She saw us there, and she didn’t move.
I didn’t move either.
(They are exceptionally comfortable chairs.)
Now, I’m no stranger to talking to strangers in coffee shops. But picking fights? Not my thing. And yet, I believed we had an understanding and agreement, a certain expectation, so I braved the question: ma’am, will you please excuse us? My guest has arrived, and since you offered to find another seat, would you mind doing that now?
The line of questioning that followed baffles me. Eventually my fellow patron decided that because my guest and I were in a professional relationship (which she believed was most likely true only after interviewing my client friend), she would vacate the comfy chair.
And life went on.
***
Parallel to this external conversation was my internal conversation: what’s really happening here? What’s most important? How do we co-exist in this situation where neither is right or wrong? What exactly am I saying no to? What is uncomfortable about this? What is it I can’t be with? Where am I taking a stand? Where am I compromising? What am I compromising? On what can I not compromise? Who am I being in this moment? What is my responsibility? What am I learning or what do I need to learn to be complete about this? What is the impact I am creating? What is the cost of being “right?”
I’m stumped. This one might take me a while.
Interesting…am I alone in finding her to be very East Coast in her initial approach, but then very West Coast in her response to the arrival of your client? I wonder what her perception of the encounter was – what did she think happened? Why did it matter that it was a professional meeting versus a personal one? What is her frame for “acceptable behavior” in that situation? And…if I can go there…what “executive function impairment” existed that allowed her to go where she did with this situation? Interesting indeed…
For what it’s worth, she was older – somewhere between my mom’s age and my grandmother’s. And also, the meeting was social, not business today (I was dressed in workout clothes if that makes a difference). Since you know I don’t believe in coincidences, I’m making up that this means something, but as I’m processing it, I might be making the “lesson” bigger than it needs to be. Stuff like this doesn’t usually happen to me, though.
The “lesson” was to give you grist to write a wonderful post…I agree with Bette: you need to write a BOOK! xoxoxo