David and I have known each other since I was in 7th grade and he in 8th. In high school, we ran track together (well, he set records as team captain and I mostly took stats for the team), I dated one of his best friends, we served together in student government, and over the years, took a small fleet of limos to formal events with our posse nerd herd friends. I wouldn’t have known I could be an Alumni Scholar at UCLA if he hadn’t done it first. Some time after he bought me my first underage margarita and my breaking up with the best friend, we lost touch.
In the years that passed, we grew up and through the miracle of Facebook, we reconnected. Twenty years later, I remember exactly why we were – and are – friends. He is smart, funny, kind, genuine and a great lover of life (and animals!). The time has done us well. We have become so much more ourselves.
In response to my latest zest request, he graced me with his words and insights which I am delighted to share with you.
***
Happiness Is a Warm Heart, by David M. Hall
This is not a “How-To” guide. Also, not all of these ideas are original and many that are, are spun out of the thoughts of others. All I know is that they work for me. I have definitely had my share of being unhappy but I really do believe that I am happier now because I had those experiences to learn from. Pretty sure you need one to know the other. [Thank you, Karen Pery, for inspiring me to collect my thoughts.]
Stopped Trying To Be Perfect
Good luck with that, right? Well I tried all through high school: honor student, team captain, academic decathlon, Eagle Scout, student government…. All great things – I have no regrets in fact I’m happy that’s who I made myself. I enjoyed it all at the time for the most part although I do remember a meltdown at some point my junior year. My first year of college was fairly dismal emotionally. I was struggling with the concept of coming out and as I felt trapped between self-truth and worrying what others thought I grew depressed and unmotivated. I got the first “C” in my life. That changed when I met an amazing man in September 1989.
Took Risks
The day I came out to my parents was INCREDIBLY difficult. And so it was for a while, for them and for me. I know my parents had a lot of “what will other people think” going on and also didn’t have the facts. (Remember this was 1989 – a very different word for gay and lesbians and their families and friends.) I had always been afraid of what others would think and do to me. In the end I lost a couple friends but have gained tons more, deepened the friendships I already had, and opened myself up to a bigger world. In the end the hardest part of coming out was the NOT doing it.
Adopted Pets
What can I say? A best friend, unconditional love… you get it. Also, the whole having responsibility of caring for another. These things opened my heart even wider. Also, the loss of them. They have brief lifespans compared to ours. What a gift! To experience the entire course of life as a friend and caregiver. From six weeks to 16 years of age. They have taught and are teaching me how to stay more in the moment: to stop regretting the past, and to stop worrying over the future. They are also reminding me to remember that there is always a reason to smile.
“Take This Job And Shove It”
Boy did I have a few of these. Thing is I kept repeating the soul-sucking job routine. Don’t get me wrong, a couple were great. And in those two I see now the common elements: I believed in their means and goals, and I enjoyed my day-to-day time with my co-workers. Both the jobs resulted in friends I still have today. And by the way, I make FAR less money than I used to and I’ve never been happier. Just sayin’ it ain’t everything. What I love about money is the experiences I can have by using it: travel, concerts, gardening supplies.
“Goodbye Yellow Brick Road”
Big city living was grand but when I decided I couldn’t work at a soul-sucking job anymore, I left Oz and went back to the farm as Elton John’s song describes. I always knew I loved nature and I have to say it is the source of my vibrational “set-point.” All I have to do is sit in my yard, hear the birds, smell the pine trees, and pet my dogs and I am so quickly rejuvenated it is frankly amazing.
One of my dogs and a few of his, April 2009
Experienced a Bunch of Heartbreak
Why have I experienced so much? Well it turns out that’s what happens when you open your heart and allow yourself to be vulnerable. I’ve also experienced massive love and joy. I have found that only by being open and honest with others have I been able to really connect with them. Those people and animals become woven into the fabric of my soul and so, when they make their transition, and I am “left behind,” it’s a genuine loss. The pain is huge and it lasts a long time for me. In a darker place I once made a list of everyone I have “lost.” It was really long. I then proceeded to cry even harder about it all, which by the way I think is a good thing in the long run. Just try not to get stuck there. In brighter times I can think of the pantheon of beings that have moved on and it makes me really happy because now I remember the times we shared and lessons we helped each other learn. I am a far better person for having known them. The pain is miniscule compared to the joy and I wouldn’t change a thing.
Got Spiritual
I’m not a religious person, but I am spiritual. What does that mean for me? Well, for me it’s the lifeforce I see in everything: people, animals, trees. It’s the energy cycles of the earth. It’s also many inexplicable experiences I have had and many speakers and authors I have run across. Point being that it’s something that inspires me to see the possibilities and beauty around me. I think everyone needs things to believe in. Be that spirituality, or a cause, or an organization: something that inspires you and gives you a sense of broader connection.
Get Medicine If You Need it
I believe my well-being springs from many things as this entry makes obvious, and for me one of them is medication. Mental issues such as depression are still so ignored and “shamed” in our society. It’s much better than it was, but please, I see even close friends get uncomfortable when I bring it up. It’s as though people believe if they need medication it’s because they “aren’t trying hard enough” or are imagining it, or are weak. Oh bullshit. Right – so if a person has diabetes……
Chilled Out
Will this matter to me a year from now? That’s what I ask myself. 99% of the time it doesn’t. Knowing that fact from life experience gives me calm when “problems” arise. Breathing is good too.
Photography and Gardening
These are no-brainers for me since I am such a fan of the natural world. Gardening calms, inspires, and centers me. It’s a form of meditation to me because I am in that moment, focusing my energy and intention and thoughts on something I love. And while I’m no Ansel Adams, I’m as good as I am because I started looking FOR beauty and it turned out to be all around me. Now, simply deciding “I’m going to look for beauty” isn’t how it worked for me. It’s sort of the chicken or the egg deal. Because I notice beauty around me I like to photograph it and whenever I photograph it I find more beauty than I saw before I began. Now it’s an addiction of the best kind. I always have a camera nearby no matter where I go and guess what? There’s always something beautiful to see.
Every Coin: Two Sides
I may not agree with someone about something but that doesn’t mean I have to get upset and bent out of shape. There are so many things I can’t control and I have learned that trying to do so, trying to always be right, trying to make others change makes me sad and crazy. I used to FREAK out over politics. And guess what, it pretty much never made a difference and just left me and the other person in a worse state. Many may accuse me of apathy but that’s not it. Believe me I care deeply about many things. I used to be more of the activist in my youth and if that inspires a person I say go for it! Remember I’m not here to say what’s right or wrong. I’m just telling the story of what makes me happy: full-charged, relaxed, inspired, centered, and appreciative. I sleep well at night because I know that the way I live each moment of my life is what I am adding to the world. Each interaction I have with another is my legacy as Maya Angelou said in so many words.
Laugh, Play, Sing, and Dance
I happen to be one of those people who is comfortable “not acting my age” as some say. I make jokes, I sing out loud, I roll around on the ground with my pets, I listen to my favorite music as much as possible, I still ride roller-coasters, I play the fool with friends, I still ride the swings in parks, I go to concerts, I watch funny movies, and I constantly talk about things I enjoy. In fact I am much goofier and playful than when I was at 20. That’s mostly because I care very little what others think of me and guess what? Those who don’t match up with my true self drift away and I attract those who do. Positive feedback loop. Now that’s a recipe for happiness. At least, it’s mine.
